I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
