My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
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Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
did i walk over a car last night?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
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I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
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