He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
