i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
