hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
