Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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