Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
