Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Dignity is for republicans.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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