Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
