so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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