I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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