Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
