mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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