I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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