I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
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Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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