he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
