if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
