i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
