No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
