Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
