ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I'm both gender and math confused
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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