you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Randomize
