he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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