There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
