I'd wear matching sweaters with you
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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