I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
