did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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