The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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