The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
We left an ass print on the piano.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
