I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
