I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
