GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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