Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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