The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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