i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
