I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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