I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
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He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
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There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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