I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
