brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
