So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
