I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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