Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
