The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
