He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
