kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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