He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
