He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
