Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
