ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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