I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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