We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
as a side note pls kill me
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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