Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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