i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
