First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
