You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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