Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
