just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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