Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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