I wish I could punch you in the face.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
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I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
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I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize