I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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