I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
