don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
