Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
